Inaugural Guest Column

The other day, I came up with what I thought was a great idea… baked potato chips. They wouldn’t be oily and greasy like what we’re used to. They’d be baked, crispy, and delicious. Having realized that baked potato chips have already been invented (and after hours spent surfing porn and midget dating sites), I came up with what to date has been my best idea of 2005: I told my friend, Nick Mehra, who recently started his own blog that he should have a friend write a guest column every week in his blog. Nick thought it was a great idea. People would laugh! People would cry! It would be much better than “Cats”! And to thank me, guess who gets to write his very first guest column? Yep – you guessed it. Actually, Johnny Carson was first asked to write the guest column but he took the easy way out. So as I sit here waiting for my new 4’2” lover to email me her naughty fantasies, I present you all with my gift to Nick – his very first blog entry written by a friend.

My favorite story:
The story of how I met Nick. In the summer of 2001, I traveled to Beijing, China in an attempt to revive my fledgling business – sales of Chinese knit fabrics and robes to celebrities. I was desperate, and my meeting with Wing Lu at the south corner of the Great Wall was my only hope to keep my business alive. Our meeting quickly went sour, and before I knew it, I was thrown in to a police car and read what I can only assume were my Miranda Rights in Chinese. The drive to the police station was terrifying. When we weren’t getting in to one of our three accidents, it appeared as though the driver cop had a need to keep the left turn blinker on for the duration of our trip. They threw me in a small cell with only an Indian guy and a pigeon named Koko to keep me company. I soon learned that the Indian guy’s name was Nick. Early one morning, the cold, crisp air made me hyperventilate uncontrollably. Nick, fearing that I was choking, quickly rushed behind me and performed the Heimlich maneuver. I passed out and did not awake for five days. It was that position – Nick gripping me tightly from behind – that helped me get through many a grueling night. Finally, I decided that our only hope for freedom was to attach a message to Koko’s leg and to set him free. I scribbled a small note in blood, attached it to Koko, and sent him out the window. Minutes later, Koko was shot dead and eaten by a starving, peasant family. For the next two years, Nick and I passed the time by telling each other jokes, stories, and reciting our favorite lines from “The Facts of Life”. It was the day that Nick professed his love for Tutti that we made a startling realization… the cell door was unlocked, and had been for the duration of our stay in the prison. Nick and I made it back to mainland, where we nursed to health by seven beautiful masseuses, who offered us their services for thirty days straight, at no price to us. Today, Nick and I are still great friends. We often talk about our struggles in Chinese prison and about how much we miss Koko.

My 4 favorite comedians – see them at a comedy club near you:
Robert Schimmel (http://www.robertschimmel.com/)
Dane Cook (http://www.danecook.com/)
Mitch Hedberg (http://www.mitchhedberg.net/)
Oren Katzeff (http://katzeff.com/oren)

Thank you for reading some thoughts from my warped mind. Please check my website for updates on when my next comedy performance is. Also feel free to email me at oren@helpusmakeourmovie.com.