Ad Bowl 2005

Everybody else is doing it, why can’t I?

I used to be an advertising writer. On Super Bowl Sunday I would gather with colleagues from the ad agency to watch the game, which for that crowd meant the ads. As opposed to most Super Bowl parties, the merrymaking and party chatter happened during the crucial moments of the game, while the commercials were a study in professional concentration. So with that attempt to convince you just how legit I am in masterfully deconstructing essentially meaningless ads, I offer you my take:

Ford – Mustang and Ford Trucks
The Mustang ad had product-appropriate dark edge; the guy froze to death driving the convertible in winter. Clever in the way it recalls the Cohen brothers’ Fargo. Male fans of the Cohen brothers, no doubt a slightly upscale, desirable target demographic, will pat themselves on the back for getting that fairly obvious allusion. A pretty creative idea, basically that this car is so much fun you’ll drive it to death. Good old death, an advertising staple. Better buy one before you die. Score: Niiiice, 7/10

The Mustang ad is a huge improvement over the embarrassing Ford Trucks spot. Supposedly a leather-bound biker gang (not of the SF variety) is going to be scared off by a row of Ford Trucks. That’s the idea. The tag “We make you tough” is really quite misguided, Ford. Based on this ad, what would I have to believe to buy your truck? That I am a total pussy and therefore I need to buy your truck to make me tough and protect me from Mr. Meaniepants psycho-killer? Totally true for most of your target market, of course, but honesty is anathema to advertising. Did David Olgilvy say that?

Oh and as far as I am concerned, if it’s a fight between suburban office jockeys in their suped-up small-cock compensator pickups and a bloodthirsty road warrior biker gang, I’ll take the biker gang. Score: Horseshit, 2/10

Bud Light – Skydiver
The ridiculously enthusiastic and very Caucasian dude at the beginning who does the hang loose fingers before jumping out of the plane was hilarious in a sort of Jackass/Dumb and Dumber kinda way. Gotta say I was surprised by the pilot jumping out. Then again I can be pretty thick. Overall, this was quick, funny, totally absurd, a bit obvious. In other words, perfect. Not sure it was Super Bowl caliber, but it handily beat the other Bud Light spots in terms of surprise. Score: Niiiice, 7/10

Diet Pepsi – P. Diddy and Carson Daly
It’s lost on anyone not raised on MTV (the old and the Amish). Pretty lame that some creative team was given a huge bucket of money and all they could think of was a rehash of Puff’s celebrated arrival to the MTV Awards show last year. I hate that I know this. And yeah, even if its wink-wink, we’re poking fun of Carson Daly, its still Carson Daly. Score: Pretty gay, 3/10

Fed Ex – Burt Reynolds and the Bear
All I can say is could have been advertising brilliance. Fed Ex is so a part of our vocabulary they don’t have to waste time telling us what they do. And the very act of the pop culture universe creating a Burt Reynolds is hilarious. But a self-reflexive ad about making an ad is disappointing in the way that all those pornos about making pornos are disappointing. Give me un-ironic, unabashed character, and lots of fucking, you know? Score: Nice try, 6/10

Bud Light – Cedric on the Beach
Sucks. Sorry folks. The joke that a guy would rather have a BBQ and a dog than listen to the bitches a-bitchin’ is just lame as hell. What a waste of a budget. Score: Gay, 3/10

GoDaddy.com – Busty model, fusty panel
Funny enough send up of last year’s J. Jackson wardrobe scandal, and good god the busty yummyness of the woman. That combo of comedy and beautiful bountiful boobs popping out of shirts is just unbeatable sexy fun. Not sure that GoDaddy’s business was well communicated, unlike Fed Ex they must tell us something about themselves. That’s okay, the easily remembered URL was there. No doubt Go Daddy wagered that many will follow the obvious “what does Go Daddy do, anyway?” with a visit to the site. She’s not there, and I miss her. Score: Bodacious, 8/10

Diet Pepsi – The Male Strut
With an obvious but nevertheless excellent choice of music for the classic male strut, this commercial put out the sex vibe right from the start. Art historians will ponder – is he walking on the way to get laid, or is this a post-coital victory march? For most men, there is no difference. And then, like a fairy magically appearing, its America’s favorite fag, Carson Kressley from Queer Eye! A sudden laugh releases all the sexual tension of the preceding images of women lustily but discreetly glancing at the guy (I think Enrique Iglesias?) Some of the male laughs in the room lingered a bit too long, though. Again, Diet Pepsi clearly doesn’t give a shit about the old and the Amish, so lets all share a collective nationwide laugh about guys checking out other guys asses. Homosexuals are funny! Score: Funny, but dudes I’m definitely not gay, 7/10

Quiznos – Baby talking with the model
Just disgusting. The Look Who’s Talking franchise squeezed the talking baby idea to death, and put a do not resuscitate sticker on it. Please abide. Quiznos, first you you’re your sandwich shop with singing vermin, and now you sell it with some weird looking baby who likes like he just ate an inkwell? WTF, are you on crack? (Cool!). Score: Dogshit 2/10

Amerquiest – Liquor Store Robbery and Killing the Cat
Best ones of the day, hands down. Average guy innocently talking on his cell phone in a liquor store is talking about how the other person on the phone is getting robbed. The Asian store owners, thinking they are being robbed, retaliate. These were funny in a way that other violent ads have not been (see the resoundingly unfunny Washington Mutual ads where an office worker beats himself up). And who hasn’t had the fantasy of offing the girlfriend’s cat? That thing gets more attention than you do, playa. Best part of these ads is that they’re selling a mortgage broker. Who cares if it had nothing to do with mortgages? They’re following Geico in making personality ads for industries that lack personality (insurance, mortgages). Jesus I watch too much TV. Score: Kick ass, 9/10

MBNA – Rugby with Gladys Knight
Sucks. This one was the worst of the lot. This was a confusing, terribly executed, incongruous piece of garbage. Affinity marketing is a great idea. Just ask any marketers who use NASCAR in their branding. But “If you’re into it, we’re into it?” That’s like saying if you think it’s cool so do we, because we’re total chumps. Want to join us? I hope people cancel their MBNA cards right now. And where were the Pipps? Score: Total Dog shit, 1/10. (No offense to the grande dame Gladys Knight, of course. A lady’s gotta make a buck.)

Subway – Two Dudes in Car
Hurray, more jokes about homophobia! This one featured cops pulling up on two guys in a car eating Subway. I mean seriously folks. Wouldn’t it be better if the guys in the car had been gay, and they were wearing cop outfits, and they were actually butt fucking, AND one of them was Jared? Score: Pretty much gay as hell, 3/10

Diana Perl – with Fridge, Ditka, McMahon, and Rodman
This ad featured irrelevant, has-been Chicago athletes. Not too much of a national draw here, except as fodder for ridicule. Is that what you want associated with your brand? And what the hell are they selling? Tiles? Bathtubs? Who knows. At least Fridge isn’t knocking over liquor stores for Ho-Hos. What a worthless piece of advertising. Oh by the way, I’m from Chicago. Score: Genius, 11/10

Charles McCarthy can be contacted at charlesg3@hotmail.com to discuss advertising, Chicago and his favorite episodes of Queer Eye for the Straight Guy.