Welcome to Mee-ami

After several years of barely watchable Video Music Award shows, MTV finally managed to turn things around with this year’s Miami-based spectacle. I can’t say for sure, but the show’s live performances seemed to be at least 90% hip hop. Speaking of which, my favorite stat of the moment (thanks, Time magazine) is that 70% of the hip hop audience is white. No idea how they measure that, but it’s just ripe for some sociological analysis. In any event, I guess it now makes perfect sense why the show’s roster of live acts was skewed that heavily. Can anyone tell me why Suge Knight is still alive? I mean, the guy is sitting in the VIP section of some chi-chi South Beach club and some guy walks right up to him in front of god knows how many members of his ready-to-pounce entourage and countless other rap impresarios and shoots him in the leg. Read that again. Yes, his leg! So many people want the guy dead, yet he continues to survive both in and out of the Big House. I’m sensing a war of Biggie/Tupac proportions. Anyway, here are a few thoughts from the show:

Best performance by 2 living legends and 1 dead one: Diddy, Biggie and Snoop Dogg

Most, ahem, saucy performance (and biggest comeback of the year): Mariah Carey

Most uncomfortable moment: Jeremy Pivens’ prison-related jokes aimed at his co-presenter, Lil’ Kim. If the look on Kim’s face didn’t say it all, the MTV cameras perfectly captured the “Who the fuck is this cracker making fun of our girl” look on the faces of Kim’s entourage. Bueller?

Most anticipated performance which barely met, but definitely did not exceed expectations: Kanye West featuring Jaime Foxx.

Most revealing outfit: Eva Longoria. Apparently, Eva had to be aggressively coaxed into wearing that little napkin of an outfit. Huh? Has anyone seen what she parades around in on Sunday nights? Desperately seeking a stylist, I hope.

Worst outfit: Jessica Simpson. In a very competitive category, Simpson once again reminded us that she is in fact, white trash. Who wears shorts to an awards show?

Best dressed: Jessica Alba and Kanye West. Jessica wore a simple black dress that didn’t say, “Hey world, check out my Albas!” It was as traditional as one could get for the VMAs. All class, Jessica, all class. Oh, and I forgive you for having to read that terrible joke off the teleprompter. The fact that Kanye was the best dressed shouldn’t come as a surprise to anyone by now. My runner-up favorite fact of the moment is that Kanye is not from the hood and was never at any point in his life shot at. He grew up in a nice area of Chicago. Raised by his mother who chairs the English department at a local university and his father, who is a marriage counselor (and former Black Panther). Music label executives took a few years to warm up to the idea of Kanye making the transition from producer to performer. Hell, they did have a valid concern after all. Marketing a Polo-outfitted, suburban Chicago-living black man to the hip-hop masses? Umm, yeah.

Performance that left me wanting more: Tego Calderon. One of 3 Reggaeton stars that Fat Joe introduced. Calderon was on stage for about 30 seconds. Tops. Tight beats, but throw me some more love.

Performer that makes me feel like Claire’s boyfriend, Ted, in SFU: Kelly Clarkson. I’ve already said more than I should have.